It is beautiful in theory. It is even more beautiful when acted out. Longsuffering. Forgiveness. Patience. Encouragement. Support. All these things come to mind when I think of what unconditional love looks like. Most of all, I see the image of Jesus with the prostitute in my mind. She had done wrong in the eyes of God and man, deserving of punishment, fearful of the reactions of man and what does Jesus do? He loves her, forgives her and restores something within her that no one but her can see. We're called to be like that with one another? Why? Because we are called to be like Christ. So, why is it so hard?
Surely I'm not the only one who has struggled with this. A friend, a family member or a spouse- in essence all these relationships revolve around one thing...Love. Why is it so hard for us to deal with others through the lens of unconditional love? Because we live in a conditional world. I was reading on a Christian Marriage site one day and the author said they expressed one piece of advice to their child who was about to become married. Expect nothing from your spouse. Huh? I thought that was the worst advice I had ever heard! But it stuck with me, gnawed at me, and I prayed wondering what it was about this statement that wouldn't let go of me. Expect Nothing? Why would I do that? God began to whisper to me, show me areas of my marriage where expectations led to major issues. He was teaching me something and I was being borderline too hard headed to hear Him. I *knew* I was right on this one. Problem was, I wasn't right at all. God showed me there are fundamental things that you should expect in a relationship...we'll continue to use marriage as an example here. You should expect to be in a loving and safe relationship. That is basically it. Are you as confused as I was? Let me continue. God designed marriage to be a loving and safe environment for each spouse. His plan for marriage is clearly laid out in the Bible for us to see. Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3. Love as Christ loved the church, honor, submission--it's all in there. Pick up your socks, put the toilet seat down, talk like this, behave like this, look like that....none of that is in there. I guess you could rationalize that they could fall under submission and honor and such, but that might be stretching it a bit. Why would expecting something from your spouse be unhealthy to your relationship? It causes strife. Did you know that man or woman when you married them? Most likely, yes. So it should be no surprise to see their shortcomings in day to day married life. Now, admittedly, Chris and I learned much about one another after marriage that we didn't know before, but they were honestly byproducts of traits we both already knew of. When we married, we agreed to accept that person in good and bad, not good and if you meet all my expectations of you. I feel as if I'm barely just scratching the surface here, but for the sake of time I'll try to keep on track. We are taught from a young age if you behave the way _____________wants you to, you get praise and reward; if not, withdrawal of something (toys, approval, privileges etc.) occurs. In the case of marriage withdrawal of communication, love, support, sex...so many things tends to be the reaction when one fails to meet the standard of the other. The big question God asked me was "Whose standard are we measuring by? Yours or mine?" Ouch. I realized in that moment that God created my husband fearfully and wonderfully. I'm sure along life's path he had picked up some things that God didn't put there, as I had as well. Question is, whose job is it to change that? I realized it certainly wasn't mine. It certainly isn't yours either. By holding someone to your standards, to your expectations, you are limiting them to what YOU want them to be and holding them back from who GOD CREATED them to be. By putting strong emphasis on what or who we want our spouse to be, our voice begins to overpower the one of the Holy Spirit speaking into their lives. Our goal as spouses should be to be the greatest pillar and cheerleader for our spouse as they push forward into what God's expectation/will/desire of them is, not ours. We are so finite in our thinking, and God is so infinite...surely the end result would be much better if we let go of our expectations and release them into God's capable hands. When faced with the disappointment of yet another missed expectation, instead of retaliating, why not extend a hand? Offer an embrace and soothe the soul of the one you love. Chances are they are much like the prostitute--fearful of what is coming. They already know they failed. We as spouses have the opportunity to brush that fear away with kind words and loving touch and restore something within the other that only they know needs restoring. Have I mastered this yet? By no means, but I feel that I'm further along than I was before. Daily I have things that God chips away at in me, as I know He does you and everyone who loves Him. If we trust Him to get us to be who He wants us to be and where He wants us to be, then surely we can trust our spouses to him as well. ~Michelle
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AuthorsThoughts and ideas inspired by the Holy Spirit, delivered to you courtesy of Chris or Michelle Cooper. We hope you enjoy our posts and would love to hear your feedback! Archives
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